My Apology For Enjoying Veg Biryani

We are once again at this terrible juncture and once again I can only offer you my folded hands and this apology folded between them. You know that I sometimes behave in a reckless and confusing manner, doing things that are worrisome and consequently worry some. And because I actively try to improve and embrace rehabilitation I thought the worst of it was over. But I was wrong. Oh how wrong I was.

The inner depths of my heart and the annals of history will now be lined with my biggest and most disgusting mistake. I suppose theres no point beating around the bush any more. I should just get to it. Yesterday in the afternoon, with my wits about me and with full awareness of my actions I wilfully consumed vegetable biryani. Don’t shake. I know, I have erred but I implore you hear me through because it does get better but before that I am ashamed to say that it gets worse.

I enjoyed this vegetable biryani. Now we can begin the process of healing. I can understand if you never wish to speak to me again but I would appreciate if you did me the courtesy of being an audience to my apology and my explanation. For many years we have both enjoyed biryani and its many benefits. We have chortled over spoonfuls and tried to determine the mystery bird who was sacrificed for the preparation of the biryani because chicken has only one beak.

I was far past the point of becoming vegetarian. I remember, years ago when I tried to turn vegetarian you laughed at me and pointed out that there is no point being vegetarian as there must be absolute congruence in the way I live my life completely. All my opinions must line up like a syzygy and then only can vegetarianism be fully achieved, not the city-bred half-assed vegetarianism that I was attempting. I asked you what being fully vegetarian entailed and you explained to me that it involved not letting anyone else harm animals, either. It involved a complete return to nature, to hide in the forest and tackle the biggest problem to the animal kingdom and that was humanity itself. If I was not prepared to launch an all out attack against the very essence of human civilisation and reduce the world to a utopia where only animals killed each other and people killed themselves, then I should just shut up and not try to think that I was doing anything morally upright.

As always, I was thankful to you for showing me the way the truth and giving me that LED light. Your magnanimity knows no bounds. However with shame I admit that I stopped eating meat. I know this is morally inconsistent because other people are eating meat but I stopped myself and didn’t tell you in order to shield myself from your constant ridicule. Every day I snuck outside and consumed something that contained no animals, quietly where no one could see me. However I never thought that I would get to a place where this would be enjoyable. I just thought that this was a secret sacrifice that I was prepared to make my entire life. That was not the case. Everything changed when I was introduced to veg biryani.

Biryani and its construction can be considered in many ways. Most people think of it as simply pieces of chicken and mutton with some rice thrown over them to hide the location of pieces so small children and old men don’t attack it completely. The rice is a packing foam and camouflage for the meat. However with vegetable biryani, there is no meat. You are forced to appreciate what before you thought was only incidental -rice. Glorious rice, prepared with fine seasoning. Every bite hides a surprise. Vegetables? Flavour? There is no end. However I made a foolish mistake. So enrapture was I in my own enjoyment that I allowed myself to be seen.

A small crowd gathered to watch the freak eat his veg biryani. I was able to escape by covering myself with rice and posing as a mutton biryani. Three nights and three days I camped as the townspeople searched for me with flaming torches and pitchforks. On the fourth day the hunt was called off to perform a flash mob, so I was safe! I had fooled everyone. Or so I thought. I should have realised right then, that I could never fool you.

Please accept my apology. Enclosed with this letter is a small morsel of veg biryani. Don’t worry, by the time you receive this message I will be far, far away. You cannot reply to me, I apologise but I cannot tell you where I am going. But eat the Biryani. It is Biryani. Close your eyes and without judgement put the food in your mouth and honestly ask yourself how you feel.

If you are ashamed and projectile vomit for days, I will understand. It is only normal, of course. However, and I hope against hope that there is a sliver of a chance that you feel differently, even slightly differently. If there is an iota of possibility that you find the vegetable biryani agreeable, then press this apology to your lips and throw it in the trash.

I will know. And I will send you a way to come and find me, a place where you and I and others like us live free in peace without judgement.

Thank you.

P.S. Dear reader if you know something that I should apologise for, please let me know here. I have a tremendous backlog, but I will get to it.

35 thoughts on “My Apology For Enjoying Veg Biryani

  1. Hey! I love your article. I can so relate to it. I am a bengali and I chose to be a vegetarian and I think you have very well got the reaction of the people on this! My grand mother, when she first came to know that i have turned into a vegetarian, was shouting at me saying-” Now who will marry you?!” 😛

    Liked by 2 people

  2. With my heart about to split open, I am wondering what the fate had in mind before you wrote this. You did it. You asked for an apology, and that is the real act of bravery. But did you ask me if I have any to give?

    Like

  3. Oh so poor Kanan, this is really sad that you had to go through such hard times. No one deserves this at all. I do not wish, not even in my ugliest hours, that any of my enemies face such sad, heart wrenching, dreading thing. What have you done!

    But all I can say is, it is okay. Everything will be fine in the end. I hope you devour the taste of Veg Biryani. Because I am sorry too but I love it!
    So I know how you feel. I have gone through the same. But trust me, everything will turn out fine and world will accept you one day for having Veg Biryani [Gasps]

    Take Care
    See you, when I see you! [ on the other end probably, es janam mei possible lag nhi rha]

    Srishti
    Instagram: @suniversesmirk
    twitter: @siyamia

    Like

  4. Well,

    This for people who think that stand-up comedians are jokers who can only perform. You are as funny on text, as much as you are with your body language. Great piece. 🙂

    Regards,
    Ankush.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It is people like you who inspire mothers to cook veg biryanis that too on a Sunday 😥 My mother thinks Veg Biryani can make Shravan bearable, but she is wrong. Nothing can make Shravan better.

    By the way, was it with Raita?

    Like

  6. This made me laugh so bad, my tummy hurts. It also made me pity the anti-veg-biryani brigade, just a little! I can totally say I’ll be looking forward to reading your apologies henceforth. 😛

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  7. We will find your veg biryani eating utopia and burn it to the ground.
    Yours truly
    -Townspeople with pitchforks and flaming torches
    P.S We will flash mob on the ashes of your utopia.

    Like

  8. I totally feel you Kanan. But in my case I would have to say I apologize for eating a non veg biryani. I am a vegetarian but my friends say “vegetarian” because I usually end up tasting all their dishes – not eating but tasting. I mean there is no harm in tasting a bite then belting the dish out.

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  9. Thank god you apologised for loving veg biryani! Maybe you can cover other things like other foods items that make you sensitive towards animals. Drinking only SODA! That is shameful!
    For never actually drinking alcohol (ok sorry don’t include it thats just me) Preferring to sit home and read than partying! (Why??).
    Having an opinion and trying to put it nicely without raising your voice (hahaha so funny).
    Being polite. Being Nice.
    For not preffering tinder to hook up.
    Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism.
    Apologise! from all of us uncool beings.
    -Harry potter fan forever who just got a bit carried away in the movies

    Like

  10. How about you apologize for not having uploaded Facebook’s Digital India mask over your DP? Or for having supported Net Neutrality while denying basic internet access to the masses?
    Or maybe for using products by the “Evil MNCs” while not endorsing Baba Ramdev Inc?
    How very unIndian of you!

    Like

  11. Why is the term biryani automatically considered to be a non-veg one? Just wondering. I think the next thing you should apologise for is drinking that over-priced coffee the other day. . Remember. . mocha frappasdfhjk?

    Like

  12. Apologize for choosing Netflix over that Saturday waali party.
    Apologize for accidentally voicing your opinion on twitter.
    Apologize for being a man.
    Apologize for correctly pronouncing English words.

    Like

  13. Ah, yes, the grave sin of consuming what never should have been made. This one’s hard to forgive. But over time, as I idle out with my Butter Chicken and Naan, I shall try and think of the poor man who apologised for his questionable eating choices and maybe, just maybe, forgive you too.

    Until then, it’s just you, your thing-that-must-not-be-named and the solitude that comes with it.

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  14. I came to know about this blog through BotCast youtube video featuring you 🙂 I am loving these apologies 🙂
    Can you write an apology for reading a book instead of watching an IPL match 😛

    Like

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