I am writing this to apologise for an error I have committed most recently. An egregious mistake that I am sure I don’t need to remind you of. Still just to make completely sure that we are on the same page, I am apologising for my status saying that my thoughts and prayers were with the victims of the recent terrorist attack.
Why would I commit such a heinous act? I’m not sure. Who knows why I do anything these days? Ever since I discovered the disturbing amount of carrots it takes to make carrot juice, things really haven’t been the same. One thing is for sure. I act out because I do not have enough sarcasm in my life. My days are bereft of sarcasm to tear through the veil of sincere emotions I cover myself with in order to get through life. So when you sarcastically comment on the things that I say it is like a warm loving embrace. The sad truth is that sometimes I realise that the things that I say and do are sincere.
You gasp. Sincere? But you thought you knew me? I know! I thought I knew myself. But really I’m also a victim here. Of patriarchy? Probably not that one. But a victim nonetheless. I just noticed none the less is three different words clubbed together into one. Like Inasmuch and insofar. Isn’t that weird? Okay I’m not trying to distract you from what’s really going on here.
Why offer my thoughts and prayers for just this one thing? I should know about all terrible things that take place in the world all the time and offer my thoughts and prayers equally to everyone and everything. You were right when you said that I’m completely brainwashed by the media.
My powers of astral travel and telepathy are on the fritz and mostly I find that my information about places I don’t have access to otherwise is only available through the media. Please try to understand, the freak accident that caused me to have global universal awareness wore off last week and I can no longer will my psychic presence into cities to see if there is some event transpiring there worthy of my thoughts and prayers.
Mostly I would like to thank you. If not for your sarcastic message about how if I offered my thoughts and prayers for some events, where had my thoughts and prayers been for all other traumatic world events? I have often spoken about the healing powers of sarcasm and so when someone uses it on me I feel a rush of peace and gratitude. You are a perfect human being that has at many times shown me the way in the darkness. Thank you for telling me in advance that collective apathy far outweighs individual sympathy. More than anything I am glad that you showed me that my thoughts and prayers message was making the whole thing about me, instead of what you were doing which was making it about you through me.
I am often given to get caught up in my own thoughts and somehow begin to believe that I should have an emotional reaction to destruction and have to say something. I know I am not perfect. Thank you for showing me that at every chance you get. Honestly, it’s why we’re friends on this social network and haven’t spoken since college. It’s only because you are my guiding light that I sometimes comment “lol” on images you share that other people made.
Finally and the most terrible of my offences was thinking that my thoughts and prayers had some value of their own. How dare I just do something to make myself feel better? This is almost unforgivable, although if I am to be honest I have committed this mistake often. Yes, I hear you gasp. This is true. I once saw someone get hit by a bus and screamed in response. My scream had no use, but it escaped my self serving mouth. I am trying very hard to transcend this shortcoming, though. The next time I see someone getting hit by a bus, I will just stare stolidly ahead in silence until the universe comes to its inevitable end. When I stub my toe I will only look at it and nod grimly. You will not illicit an ineffectual response from me, toe. Not today. Unless I am actively fighting terrorism and the forces of evil I deserve to say no things about it.
I will only react in ways that are useful. For example when a waiter at a restaurant asks, “will that be bottled water or regular water?” I will say “regular water”, because this is a response that is required. However if I found out that he was gunned down in his home later that night I will stare ahead with steely determination and produce no reaction. I am beyond my callous self serving ways, and I have you to thank. So thank you.
I do hope you will accept my apology. Do remember, it is better to forgive then to fall down nine flights of stairs. If you choose to forgive me, then I must invite you over for carrot juice. Please bring your own carrots.