My apology for being agnostic

Dear friend, there are many fundamental truths that we hold to be true. Yes the Earth is a geoid solid mass that orbits the Sun, yes we are born and yes we die, yes Cartoon Network ran Dragon Ball Z only to end it at an arbitrary point at least three times until I stopped watching. These truths we hold to be self evident and a part of our fundamental reality. For me Cartoon Network fostered a personal understanding of betrayal and instilled in me weariness and distrust for all people and things. It is our experiences that make us who we are. I know you don’t want to hear abstract philosophy, but I feel like it is a good introduction to what I actually want to apologise for.

I am sorry for being agnostic. I know you hate agnostics and have repeatedly told me to pick a side and additionally also to pick the correct side. I hope you know that I do not do these things to incense you. Your friendship is dear to me, but so is my belief in the idea of whether there may or may not be a divine figure that may or may not predetermine our actions. I know you treat agnostics with the same apprehension and condescension that you treat bisexuals. But I implore you to understand the immeasurable stickiness and confusion of my position.

Famous mathematicians have proved the existence of God and others while being unable to prove it have determined that it is most beneficial to assume that God exists, because if one was to make a 2×2 matrix of God existing and personal benefit, the most favourable quadrant would be [God Exist, I believe] = Eternal Salvation. However I am not a famous mathematician and while I understand the argument, I’ll never use matrices in my real life, dad.

The fact is that while no one can say conclusively one way or another whether or not there is or isn’t a God, I don’t at all care. Not even slightly. Which is why I find it prudent to say that I am agnostic. I didn’t even want to be agnostic, but I wasn’t the other two things and this was the only one left. I do not say this to hurt you friend, I know you probably weep as you read this. I know all cool people are atheists and all lame people are religious and agnostics are the worst, but whenever I have tried to solve this problem for myself I have come up empty.

When I tried to investigate into the existence of God myself I found that a good experiment to set up would be to pray and see how many of my prayers were answered. The answer here, turned out to be some. This could mean that the answering of prayers was in fact just coincidence and God doesn’t exist, or God does exist but how only answers some prayers, or God does exist but he does not answer prayers that are part of an experiment, or God exists and he answers everyone’s prayers except mine because I have ticked him off in some way, or God doesn’t exist but human will has the capacity to alter outcome and shape reality and is God itself in that way or if I saw all of Dragon Ball Z I would be disappointed anyway.

I know I am supposed to roll my eyes and sneer at people who seriously consider the existence of God, but the fact of the matter is that I tripped today while standing. I was standing and then I found myself stumbling, without any attempt to move forward. I would say my abilities of determinism are a little suspect at this juncture. Who knows what things are true and what aren’t? It’s a little early for me to say conclusively after being alive for 26 years whether things are one way or another.

I’m sorry that you think I believe in the existence of a man with a beard in the sky, I assure you that that is not the case. My beliefs rest on the fact that there may or may not be a giant man with a beard in the sky and how much I don’t care either way. Well in that case, you’ve told me several times why shouldn’t we believe in a flying spaghetti monster? Again, jury’s out on that one but I think it’s safe to say that there are no actual divine beings based on a sarcastic example that you’ve given.

More than anything I’m sorry that I’m able to peacefully live out my life without the conclusive answer to this question and without requiring the raising of protest signs on any side. The fact of the matter is that I think that religion is not the problem and that people can use any idea for excessive beheading and self exploding. Humans are intrinsically norm creating, and the norms that humans create tend to be conservative -that is resistant to change, as I accidentally read in the first couple of pages of a book that I don’t actually read but look super cool while reading.

For a lot of people, the source of the search for divinity is a fear of the unknown and death. When Freiza kills Krillin, Goku is filled with rage and sorrow, his best friend now dead. Which is surprising because because Goku in the series has already died before. And death in Dragon Ball Z means getting sent to another dimension which seems like a nice enough place and doesn’t really warrant the amount of sorrow they have. So do you come to terms with life in another dimension after death, or do you run around collecting Dragonballs to wish the dead back to life?

Most people in India did not get to wrestle with this death/dimension conundrum because Cartoon Network fucking stopped airing Dragon Ball Z more than three times. My point is that I was completely okay with the idea of a giant dragon granting wishes on the basis of ball collection as a child, maybe we should be as adults. 

Shen_Long.jpg

How does one rock a dragon?

Maybe this is just a long phase that I’m going through, like how Goku takes about ninety three episodes to charge up for anything. Maybe I will change. I hope you forgive me friend and come to accept that the real culprit here is Cartoon Network.

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