Hello my friend from 2B. If you’re reading this right now, that means you found the crumpled piece of paper I stuffed in your book. I will try to keep this short, however in general my apologies have started leaning towards the more verbose. I write a lot of apologies, but that’s a fact about me you don’t need to know. In fact I am especially sure that I am the bottom of your list of people you want to know facts about because you hate me and you think I’m awful. I feel awful, and I would like to apologise.
I’m sorry for not knowing you were also in business class. Classism is a beast that comes with the lack of a burden. I used to have a burden many years ago, but I have since found success and only carry burdens in my free time to get a sweet pump in the gym. I am sure your story is similar to this, that is why I feel like it may be prudent for you to dress more like you fly business class. I’m not trying to be classist, but the ticket is really expensive and if that’s an indicator of your disposable income then perhaps invest in a blazer. A blazer is a garment that instantly assumes an upgrade and absolutely crushes the soul when you see someone with it in economy. Their clothes outweigh their dreams, maybe they will find happiness soon. I’m sorry, I’m rambling.
The truth is, I don’t fly business class too often. In fact, this would be the first time. I know I said that whole burden thing in the previous paragraph but it just seemed like a cool thing to say. This was my first business class experience and I was extremely excited, having heard for years about the numerous perks and privileges afforded to business class passengers.
It was probably wrong of me to assume that the perks that business class passengers received had not limits. That was probably wrong, but it’s not like they had a sign saying this is not what business class passengers can do. When I was sitting in the lounge it amazed me how all the food was free. I was careful (I’m sure you were too) to eat all the food I could as fast as I could and drink hot coffee so I could void my bowels in a timely manner and then have the appetite and mechanical stomach capacity to eat again on the airplane. I had heard good things about business class food.
Now here’s where it probably went awry. I think it was when I assumed that business class passengers had bathroom priority privileges as well. This is because bathroom priority privileges do not exist as a concept. Anyway when nature came and knocked three times at my sphincter -do you know there are many sphincters? I didn’t! I thought there was just one that held in shit, but the thing that holds in pee is also called a sphincter! Crazy isn’t it? I’m sorry I digress. So when I came into the bathroom I was filled with anticipation and excitement and about nine croissants.
I am sorry I kicked down the door and dragged you out by your tie while screaming ‘BATHROOM PRIORITY’. I did not do that to scare you, I was only worried that you won’t understand why you were being dragged out of the stall and I felt that it was my duty to inform you. I also then apologise for removing your turds from the bowl, but this was honestly a basic courtesy to you. I think it is insulting to poop on top of someone else’s poop. What is this, a boy’s hostel in ancient Rome? So that’s why I did that, and flinging them at you…was improvised. The bathroom was without a convenient place to store sedimented poop so I thought maybe you would like to examine it for structural integrity and uniform colour consistency.
The fact that you didn’t react so much as gape at me reinforced my belief that this was normal business class privilege. I understand now that you were shocked and unable to react. See I didn’t know that, I don’t know all the things. I’m not a scientist, I’m just a guy. -Who was in Business class today.
After I finished pooping and felt a fantastic rush of relief and positivity, I exited the bathroom and marched promptly to the check in counter. When I saw you standing in the line for business class boarding I assumed you had made a mistake and that’s why I gave you a wedgie. I know that’s not a completely formal way to get one’s point across, but I felt that we’d met each other already, and there was a causal playfulness to our friendship. It appears I was wrong about that as well.
I would like to tell you that I repented strongly when you came and took your seat next to mine in business class. That is why I pretended to be asleep the entire flight and did not open my eyes while eating three full non vegetarian meals and scribbling on this piece of paper. Yes, it’s true. I was only pretending. That is because I was afraid of what you might say to me, perhaps you would even be angry. I can understand if I was in that position I could be somewhat peeved.
However I don’t handle verbal conversations too well. I get nervous and don’t know how to make eye contact so I usually begin re-enacting a powerful scene from any Shakespearean tragedy. I didn’t want to waste your time, and that’s why you have found this letter stuffed in your copy of your Jeffery Archer book. I was worried the letter wouldn’t fit correctly, so I tore off the last couple of pages to make room for it. I’m sure they’re not important, everything usually works out in Jeffery Archer books.
Your friend from 2A