Dear Ms Singh,
I hope you are well. I am writing to you to apologise for my son Kanan’s behaviour in class. I assure you at the outset that I have punished him sufficiently. He is sitting in the corner as I write this, thinking about what he has done. I know that you probably see a lot of little devils in your class, but sometimes a child does something so abhorrent it fractures your belief in humanity and goodness. The school authorities have told me that you have barricaded yourself in your room with several bottles of alcohol and refuse to emerge. I hope this letter serves to explain my son’s actions and helps you come out of your room. Please come out of your room Ms Singh.
Kanan is a good child, if slightly misguided. I have told him numerous times that there is a difference between the action cartoons he watches in the afternoon and real life. Still, when he decided to play a character from his favourite show He-man, I suppose his father and I did not do much to discourage him. It was a slight shock to us when we realised that he wanted to be Skeletor, not He-man and thought He-man was a weak imbecile. I made the mistake of applauding his decision. In retrospect, this was a huge mistake. But who wants their kids to play-act as mainstream characters? I thought I was raising a fine non-conformist. It was more complex than that.
Another day, I was about to reprimand our cook for skipping work without notice and not pulling her weight around the kitchen. I run a pretty tight ship and if anyone steps out of line, they are told so. When I was about to tell her this, Kanan hissed loudly and beckoned me to a corner because he wished to tell me something. He usually plays in a corner of our living room, a cute little pillow fort that he calls his ‘Base of Strategic Operations’. It was there that he discouraged me from reprimanding our cook directly. He insisted that it was not enough to tell her off, and that we must break her spirit. He then handed me a series of documents detailing our cook’s activities for the last month. It turns out that he had several children following her and gathered a disturbing level of intelligence about her whereabouts.
I was quite surprised, but then slightly proud. I mean, what eight year old is so adept at intelligence gathering and psychological warfare? I ruffled his hair and thanked him, but told him his methods were quite unnecessary in this case. I assumed that would be the end of it, not that he would refine his skills to use them a different day.
Raising a child is a difficult thing. You have a sense of great pride and love in your own creation. A glint of the universe itself that you have created. Something that bears your genetic fingerprint and smiles your smile back at you. It is hard then to see the signs of criminally evil behaviour in your bundle of joy. Some parents tell me that their daughters cut up their curtains and draw on their walls! In this way my son conspires to overthrow governments. I have several books on parenting that tell me that this is just a phase. I don’t worry too much about it.
This brings me to Kanan’s behaviour in class. I think it is quite right for you to punish a child for speaking out of turn in class. It is essential for a teacher to maintain order and decorum in the classroom. Being a teacher in a large classroom, it is quite natural for one to make mistakes. I can’t even count the number of times I was wrongly punished when my friends were talking. Being a positive and easy going student, I let this go.
Apparently my son does not think the same way. When you punished my son for speaking in class two years ago, you made a mistake. It was his friend who was speaking. It appears that he has spent the last two years plotting an exacting revenge.
His plan is quite complex, and I have forced him to give me all the blueprints or he is not allowed to watch He-man any more. A lot of things in these documents don’t make sense to me, and he has used a lot of cryptic jargon in his dossier on you, but I have developed a crude understanding of the whole plan.
His plan was broken down into three phases. The first being Demoralisation. He arranged for classmates of yours from college to call you out of the blue, about one a week. These classmates were chosen for having met tremendous success after college. He would call them and say that you wished to be in touch with them, knowing that when they call you, the question of success and careers would come up, and your faith in your decision to teach would be shaken. I suppose this is when you started coming to school late and forgetting to take your classes. Regret is only natural, and I suppose you would have over come it if not for the second phase.
The second phase was Propaganda. I know now that the story of you trying to get cats drunk and trapping them in your house is not true. But honestly it had spread to a point where everyone knew. Even your school called and told me that my son had upset the cat molesting teacher. I realise now looking at these documents that this was an elaborate hoax planted by my son to disparage your character.
Phase three was the false flag attack and here is where my son failed. I think the tremendous success of the previous two phases made him rather grandiose in his execution of this one. The false flag attack was simple, quick and brutal -a Blitzkrieg as the Germans would call it. He would pretend to suffer from tremendous psychological trauma as a result of being constantly berated by his teacher over the years. And who wouldn’t believe that the crazy cat molesting teacher would do such a thing?
But when he made the entire class act like they suffered from borderline personality disorder as a result of your teaching, I think the school board smelled a rat. However, I think entering class to see all of the students clinging to each other, acting out a bad understanding of severe abandonment issues, was too much for you to take.
You have since been in the room by yourself drinking heavily and scratching on the walls. Many concerned teachers have offered their cats as a sacrifice to you, to end your suffering, but I believe that that is only making matters worse as it appears you have no sexual attraction to cats after all. Please understand that my son means well, and I think an apology to him will suffice. We can all be friends, it doesn’t have to end like this.
I wish that you would apologise to him quickly because I have just found a file called Phase 4 which details me writing to you offering my apologies. He knew I would do this. He knew this would happen. Only you can help me stop him. I hope you understand that I had to disguise the starting of this letter to make it look formal. I am afraid. Afraid to do anything, because I fear that anything I do will play into his hands. Meet me under the water tank outside the school at half past midnight. Tell no one. Please burn this letter after reading it. We shall overcome.
Viva la revolution.