Dearest friend I write to you again to express my deepest apologies for…well, really? This is what what you got mad about? No, sorry. I get defensive and my therapist tells me I need to make amends so I will. Let me just…let me just collect my thoughts for a second. OK. There are more things in heaven and earth than are known to man, and there are more things in my life that I am aware of that are offences I have committed. This is one of those things, I’m assuming. There comes a time in every man’s life, an impasse, a canyon and he stands at the precipice, waiting to plunge or leap into the abyss of apologies. I’m just really trying to buy time here to try to figure out how to apologise. Excuse the verbal gymnastics. OK I think I got it.
I apologise for humming too loudly. Happiness is a profound emotion and it is one that most humans aspire towards without knowing it. Our pursuit of happiness in cloaked in misdirection and illusion. Too many people chase their dreams of money and fame and success when really all they want is an inner light, the warm glow of happiness a sunlit kiss of peace and gratitude. I’m doing it again, aren’t I? It’s just fucking humming. Who in the fuck apologises for-anger. I have anger issues, I’m sorry, let me try again.
Yesterday at the annual equestrian championships I was a tumultuous mess of emotions. Seeing amazing steed after amazing steed, the atmosphere was thick with trepidation, the agony of defeat, the splendour of victory. It was here I stood fanning myself trying to capture my emotions. Truth be told, I was an emotional wreck. It was too many highs and lows for me to handle. Every time a horse jumped, so did my world, so did my hopes and dreams and desires -all hanging in the moment like a horse through the air. Its neck glistening with sweat, its eyes showing a dogged, steely determination. I really like horses, is what I’m trying to say. However, being in public it is not prudent to express your love for horses at a sporting event. At a horse jumping event you’re supposed to only go around expounding your great love for horse jumping. How you love the visual of horses jumping successfully over things and lament over the millions of things that are yet to have a horse jump over them.
What I was trying to do at this venue was blend in. I clumsily tucked in my several horse related poems into my trousers and stood. My back was wet with sweat, the force of trying to contain myself. To stop myself from getting atop the banisters and reciting
For thee I will cry myself hoarse!
I bleed and weep with remorse!
Do I want to be a horse?
Granted my poetry skills are not par excellence, but the emotion in them rings deep and true. However after seeing eight men get escorted away by security for trying the same thing, I decided not to and it was no easy feat. I clenched my jaw and my buttocks and stood quietly. But the puddle of sweat that was beginning to form at my feet was beginning to draw attention. Women holding umbrellas and old timey binoculars pointed at me with limp wrists. I was not blending in!
Thus I decided to hum. A person who is humming is most casual. Indeed I find it difficult to find an activity more casual than humming cheerily. If you pass a person that is humming you are most likely to nudge the person you’re with and say something along the lines of “hey, look at that person and how cheerily he hums! There is no way he is suppressing a deep desire to express equestrian feelings!”
I tried to tuck my hands into my pockets but discovered that I was wearing trousers with no pockets, so I placed both my hands in my breast pocket and began humming. The hum rose to a louder and louder pitch and it was then that I am told that I offended you. Trust me that it was not my intention and if I wasn’t standing with a hand in each breast pocket in a puddle of sweat like a slightly drowning but mostly nervous looking kangaroo, I would have done no such thing.
I will do no such thing in the future. No. In the future I will not hold myself back, I will jump over the fences and run wild and free with my horse brothers! I will join them in leaping over the 5 to 7 foot obstacles that life has to offer. I will urinate while walking and exhibit no change in expression while doing so. Wind in my hair, running on all fours like we were ordained to by God I will sing my songs that society does not wish to hear and not hum sweatily in the stands like a fool, curbed and neutered.
That being said most of these events appear to be invite only, and I have shot my chances of an invite with my behaviour yesterday. So this apology really carries a deeper meaning, one more sincere and faithful. Please get me into more horse events. Please. I fucking love horses. I want to be a horse oh my God I want to be a horse so badly. I’m assuming that was pretty clear in all the slightly incriminating things I’ve said so far. But have no fear, I will not embarrass you. You see over the years I have become so adept and capable at horse imitation that I can even fool the greatest of experts. They will be unable to pick this human in a horse lineup. I will be free to roam with my kind forever and for always.