Dearest friend, if I may even call you that anymore, I am sorry. I know that you feel like I have abandoned you and all our friends, that I have left you alone in the cold without chappals. Sometimes I act purely out of selfishness. Doing things that I see fit for the preservation of my own sanity, not considering the effect that they have on other people. For this, I am truly and deeply sorry. But I assure you that it was the only course of action I had left to take. I will try to explain.
I am sorry for leaving the Whatsapp group. I know we require a platform to share constant and unoriginal thoughts and to make plans, but I must confess I could not take it. When Rahul BDAY Plan was created, I was under the assumption that it was to plan Rahul’s Bday. That it was a group of friends deciding the time and place to hold Rahul’s birthday party, and also what to get him.
How quickly that derailed into fiery confusion. A group and a mob are the difference between conversation and chaos. At first I thought that this must be a bug of some sort. There could not hundreds of new messages created every time I looked away from my phone! How wrong I was. Before long I began to feel like I was trapped in a swirling chaos of flying words and plagiarised images.
The fact is that Rahul’s BDAY Plan, failed to plan Rahul’s Bday and was also created three years ago. I do not know half the people on that group, but they have been asking me and everyone else for O+ blood for three years now and sending me jokes that are six thousand words long. While I would appreciate this under normal circumstances, every man has a breaking point. Every thing has its limit.
Let me cut straight to the chase. I am worried about Sanjeev. He is not the man I once knew, who had a spark in his eyes and laughter in his heart. I remember going to school with Sanjeev and how he would play the class clown, always asking for the teacher’s attention. You remember one time how the teacher asked who was absent and he put his hand up? What a character! You can’t be absent Sanjeev! You’re here! How we all laughed. That same man I cannot understand today, the things he started to say on that group. I grew worried.
Every day Sanjeev sends long collections of text on whatsapp. I think they’re supposed to be jokes, but I struggle to see how. I know one is expected to laugh at the end, because of his use of emoticons and him signing everything off with LOL. But I do not LOL, I grow confused, I grow worried. I draw your attention to this ‘joke’ that he sent a few days ago.
A man is having dinner, when his wife comes into the room.
Wife: Hey stop eating! How much will you eat?
Man: Excuse me? I am trying to get sustenance to survive. I am eating a reasonable amount of food.
Wife: Look!….what if you eat so much that you explode?
Man: People don’t explode while eating. I don’t think that has ever happened in the history of time.
Wife: Men I tell you! Just eat this pineapple pastry after…you finish!
Man: Eat more? I don’t understand. You were just discouraging me from eating food.
Wife: Because you are always asking me to blow you!! Now you’ll blow from the food!
~Moral~ Never mess with the wife!
I thought about this for several days. This does not constitute any exchange that must be shared with people. Did someone create this conversation? Was it imagined into existence? And if so -why? Why would someone do this? I could not sleep. I dunked my head in cold water, trying to make it all make sense. Trying to connect the dots somehow! Then it hit me. I had made a crucial error in understanding. I was assuming that this was fiction. I cleared my presuppositions and then looked at it this through the fresh lens of reality.
Was Sanjeev trying to tell us about an actual conversation that took place? What was he trying to say!? That was when I noticed the first letter of every word in his joke. A pattern quickly emerged. H…E…L…P…M…E
A terrible chill ran down my spine. Of course he was trying to get at something! Of course the things he said couldn’t possibly be jokes! I hit myself for not seeing the truth for so long. I knew he was trying to do something, I knew he was trying to say something. I called his phone desperately, but he would not pick up. Was he okay? What was wrong? I decided to go to his house, but in its place found an empty plot. All that remained was a single charred photo of two infants holding hands that said Friends 4EVer…
That’s when the others began. I’ve never liked Rajeev. I like Rajeev even less than Rahul. Fucking Rahul. As soon as I left what used to be Sanjeev’s house, Rajeev sent the group a message.
Two friends sit at a railway crossing and think about the future. One of them goes home and tells the other not to message him or come to his house. The other friend does not listen and becomes snoopy. He starts minding things other than his own business.
The other friend gets what’s coming to him.
~Moral~ Never read too much into Whatsapp jokes!
My heart began to beat wildly against my chest. I knew this was a direct threat. I was being told to back off. But what could be going on? What could be the case here? I began to pay close attention to the group. For the first time I began to read what they were sending. I began to type, to initiate a conversation of the first time. “Guys I think something has happened to Sanjeev and I am in danger…”
I was about the press ‘send’ when Priti sent a picture of a flower hanging itself in the morning with the caption “There are only so many Good Mornings”.
I had upset someone by my inquisition into this issue. Someone was trying to scare me off. Someone was threatening my very life. But I will not rest, and I will not let down dear Sanjeev (who was present but he raised his hand? Remember? Haha!). I am going to get to the bottom of this. But first I cannot let them know that I know I am on to them. I must do this in secrecy. That is why I left this whatsapp group, and why I have slipped this letter under your door. If your mom reads this somehow tell her it’s just a joke between us. Aunty if you’ve read so far then I want to say that those magazines were not mine, they were your child’s.
I will let you know what I unearth. I can imagine the group must have gone wild from my leaving.
Excerpt from whatsapp group.
Friends, I the time has come for me to leave this group. This may shock all of
you but it is time to go. I am under no pressure to do so. Do not miss me and
do not mourn my leaving. Thank you.
Kanan has left.