Dear friend, I write to you in a humble and non callous fashion. Sadness and truth are bitterly intertwined in my mind this morning as I sit to pen this down. What am I capable of? Such sheer acts of brazen arrogance? No, I was surprised that even I could stoop to such depths. This is why I write this to beg -no- grovel at your feet, for forgiveness. I’m correcting myself a lot today -no- I need to correct myself a lot in general. In life.
I am sorry for writing you that open letter. What acts really deserve an open letter? Is there a lower limit to the size of an issue that permits or warrants the writing of an open letter? Maybe there should be. Maybe that would have served as a guide to me writing that most regrettable of letters. Maybe it was not necessary to write an open letter condemning your poor sportsmanship in Mortal Kombat.
I realise that I did not want to really even correct your behaviour. I did not desire change, or an apology. What I really wanted, and I think what everyone wants while writing an open letter is one thing -attention. It was easy enough for me to just tell you what I thought, but I was drunk on the idea of people witnessing my shearing incisive logic on a global platform. I was also drunk on Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey whiskey.
The fact of the matter remains that we had a previous agreement about gentlemanly behaviour at all costs, especially when video games are being played. You know of my sensitive nature and propensity towards self destructive behaviour on even the slightest provocation. That is why we signed the Treaty Of Gentlemanly Behaviour last year, soon after we became friends. It may have seemed like just a joke at the time, a joke contract that many friends signed in American sitcoms, even though a notary and lawyer were present, but I have shied away from invoking it many times in the past. However a violation of the video game clause, even I could not ignore.
It is not that I am a stickler for the rules or protocol. For example I have ignored many breaches, such as section 12(a):
Section 12(a): And when a fellow gentleman, as recognised by this particular contract, happens to recount the details of a fight in his respective relationship (as defined in in section 2), then the other gentlemen must without any hesitation or obvious sarcasm take his side. The gentlemen will provide examples from their own lives and make generalisations that reaffirm his (the gentleman who is recounting the details of the fight – hereby referred to as FIGHTER) point of view and opinion. They will make sufficient allowances to skew logic or fabricate these examples if required, and will not be bound to prove their authenticity at any time.
Must I remind you of the time that I told you of my girlfriend and The Fight Of The Hand Towels? How instead of taking my side you proceeded to mock my insistence on the use of individual and separate hand towels? How you completely disregarded the fact that according to section 12(a) you were bound to support me and concurrently regale me with stories of you hand towels were essential in your life, even if these stories had to be made up?
But while you laughed and high fived my girlfriend, I remained quiet. For the sake of our friendship. Many contracts are breached, but these breaches remain ignored in order to maintain relationships. This is what I did, but you did not seem to understand.
There was also the other time of you completely ignored the artistic appreciation clause in section 352.
Section 352: And if one gentlemen creates a work of artistic bent, the work in question must be appreciated by all other gentlemen (as defined in section 2) but not necessarily by miscellaneous dudes (section 2). The judge of whether or not a piece of work has artistic merit shall rest solely with the creator of said work (henceforth referred to as ARTIST). The gentlemen must each say one nice thing about the work done by the ARTIST and not make light of its integrity or of the medium used. The work here includes (but is not limited to) poetry, paintings, essays, novels, memes, GIFS.
I do not wish to once again recount the tale of how you completely refused to share my transcendent memes. You refused to acknowledge or appreciate in any way the complex thought that went into the creation of my ironic use of LOLCATS, or the statement I was making about quickly discarded trends and the ephemeral nature of popularity.
However I was willing to forgive everything except how you behaved during Mortal Kombat. Side-fighters are games that challenge friendships in the most complex ways. They put forth the most fundamental fight that has existed in humanity, left versus right, me versus you, present versus past. The games require a delicate balance of skill and instinct, for in many cases an average player is no match for an expert and an expert is brought to his knees by the irrational and completely random moves executed by a beginner.
In all this we have agreed to do the following:
Section 912: Video games are to be played by gentlemen in a civil and organised way. Specific behaviour shall be required of the gentlemen, depending on the type of game that is being played. The protocol of video game selection is as discussed in section 910(f)(ii).
- One player: When a one player game is being played, the order of playing is to be pre-decided by the gentlemen before the commencement of the game. While a gentleman is playing (henceforth referred to as PLAYER), the others must offer only encouraging contributions that will elevate the PLAYER’s experience of the game. The gentlemen will agree to wait their turn patiently and will under no circumstances:
(a) Perpetrate actions that cut short the playing of the video game or obstruct it in any way. Such as pulling the plug for the Playstation out of the socket or putting their bodies in front of the television in such a way that the PLAYER is unable to see the screen to an extent required to play the game.
(b) Encourage the other gentlemen to begin another activity, or disparage the game that is being played by the PLAYER in anyway. There will be no mention of “let’s do something else” or “guys, this is lame”.
- Two Player: If a two player game is being played, and two controllers are present, then the assignment of the controllers to the gentlemen will be decided by the following.
(a): The owner of the console will get priority over the owner of the house. The owner will have sole discretion over which controller he decides to choose.
(b): If neither of the gentlemen in question owns the house or the console, then they will be assigned based on who chose the inferior controller the previous time as in section 910(f)(vii)
(c): If no previous record of game exist with the particular controllers and section (a) and (b) are not applicable, then the controllers will be assigned on who touches them first, or is already holding the controllers.
Genres of games and the rules that are binding in them are discussed below:
(1) Side fighter: For games involving a fight taking place side to side such as Tekken or Mortal Kombat, the following code of conduct is to be maintained.
(a) Under no circumstances must a PLAYER berate or act aggressively towards the other PLAYER in such a way that damages the first PLAYER’s self esteem or willingness to play the game.
(b) The victor must accept victory with humility and grace and congratulate the other PLAYER on a game well played. He is forbidden from being a DICK (defined in section 1) about it or celebrating in any way. Even silent fist pumps are counted as excessive celebration.
(c) Any recording (such as videos, photographs, snapchats, sketches, etchings) about the same are NOT permitted. This section overrides section 352, as this work cannot have any artistic merit.
So when you won in Mortal Kombat, you broke just about every rule that existed in the contract we have mutually agreed to. You stood on the couch and sang a song about your victory and additionally took a Snap of the event and added it to your story. I later also found it on your Instagram story (which was perhaps the most hurtful). You made no record of the fact that you got the better controller or the fact that you got the guy on the left side, which everyone knows is much easier than fighting with the guy on the right side.
Moreover when I brought this up to you in person you laughed it off and completely neglected the existence of this contract, making dismissive and hurtful statements like “that? that was joke right?”. That is what angered me enough to pen the Open Letter to Mortal Kombat Dicks, that I published yesterday. Here too I ignored that you are bound by Section 352 to appreciate this letter and it’s robust use of language. But even then you made no response and appeared to be undeterred in your ways.
That is why I am writing this open letter. My lawyer has advised me to delete the previous open letter from the internet and publish this one as an apology to you, which clearly states all your breaches and further solidifies my standpoint on a legal basis. Do not mistake this to think that I am sorry. For once, it is you that has pushed me too far.
I will see you in court.