My apology for not feeling nostalgic about the 90s

Dear friend, the passage of time is the only thing that seems to slip out of our hands. The awning of history stretches tenuously over our present, trying to accommodate our future. Our time on earth is the slow creation of nostalgia, escaping from regret and stepping into the unsure. But in the middle of these artfully expressed truisms, I have erred. I have not treated time as it was mean to be treated. For that, I apologise.

I am sorry for not feeling nostalgic about the 90s. If there is something we can all agree to look fondly upon, it is the past. But mostly because we’re not in it any more. Like a Starbucks that looks like a great place to work from outside, but smells vaguely of poo inside, the past is only a great place to observe externally. I do remember the 90s, but perhaps not as fondly as most people.

I think what people miss most about their past is innocence. But that innocence only stems from a lack of information. Not knowing the darkness of the world doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. That is not innocence, it is stupidity. Although it’s quite certain that stupidity makes life easier to live, the perspective it brings is not innocence. Age makes you realise that Captain Planet was ultimately unsuccessful. 

So when you showed me a video sandwiched between black bars which “Only 90s kids will understand”, I regarded it with a small amount of disdain. First of all, it was a video that anyone could understand. Secondly, it was a montage of things that used to exist, but do not exist any longer because they are outdated and silly. But the sarcastic mumbling of these statements caused me to wound you, and that was never my intention, dear friend. I would never do that.

That night, I took a good long look at myself. Maybe I was jaded and simply could not understand. As I wept in in the shower I realised that perhaps I had become too cynical. If only there was someone I could talk to, that could make me understand the nineties! That’s when it hit me. It was so obvious. There was somehow I could speak to.

Me from the nineties.

From my earlier apologies you will know, that I keep a large number of disgraced scientists on employ, just in case things go south. I knew just who could help me with my problem. I put out a Skype call with my disgraced genius friends and informed them of my plans of speaking with myself from the nineties. They scrambled to get to working, each fighting to come up with the solution earlier. Fear is a fantastic motivator.

Vladimir Vladimir, an unfortunately named soviet scientist was first to the finish line. In a few days he eagerly presented me with a laptop with his liver-spotted hands. He stood back and beamed at me, hunched over and trembling slightly. 

The screen showed an ICQ chat window. I frowned at Vladimir. “Really, ICQ?”

“It was stylistic touch” he nodded sheepishly.

“In this chat window you speak to yourself from 90s” said Vladmir. “You type, it will reply from past!” he clapped his hands.

It will reply?” I asked.

Vladimir hesitated. “Well you are not talking to yourself, but simulation of your consciousness from 90s. It was complex task putting together-“

I waved my hand to shut him up. This was excellent, and just what I needed to finally understand what it was that only 90s kids could understand. Finally I could win back your friendship. I pulled the laptop close to myself, ready for my window to the past. My chat window to the past. Vladimir always went to far with metaphors.

“Can you please now release my family?” asked Vladimir. I noticed now that he was crying. “I will use this first and if fitting I will let your family go” I told Vladimir “You know I reward the faithful, but punish the incompetent.” Vladimir whimpered. He kissed my ring and retreated from my chamber. I was ready.

KGill is Online.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~ is Online.

This was me from the 90s.

KGill: Hello?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: Yo Homie…………!

KGill: I am you from the future.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: dats cooool!!!!1!

KGill: Oh God. This is how you talk?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: hahaHA LOL

KGill: What was funny about- OK. Never mind. I have to ask you something. I need to understand the 90s.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~ is Offline

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~ is Online

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: sry got a phonecall!!! gt d/c

KGill: Ugh. I remember that. OK, so what is so great about the 90s?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: Wat u mean?!

KGill: I mean what is it about the 90s that will make people nostalgic in the future?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: idk wat ur saying lol

KGill: Fuck. You’re an idiot.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: YOU R A DUMFUKkk!

KGill: Do you enjoy the 90s?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: FUK U HOLMES

KGill: Okay. I apologise.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: k………..Ain’t no think but a chiken wing u kno

KGill: What? What is no- Never mind. Please just tell me. Do you enjoy the 90s?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: no homeslice…m waiting 4 da future ukno

KGill: Please stop saying variations of homie. What do you think is going to happen in the future?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: Idk man ima be a rapper wit money and a cellfone

KGill: Everyone has cellphones in the future. It’s not a big deal.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: 4 REAL?!?11!!

KGill: Yes, for real. But aren’t you enjoying TV and other stuff?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: its ok i gues

KGill: Just OK? It’s not amazing? It’s not something you will look fondly on in the future?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: idk man lol idk

KGill: So there’s nothing special about the 90s?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: Yo hw ppl get thru Y2K tho?

KGill: Uneventfully. Is there anything useful you can tell me about the 90s?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: its nyc i gues. I miss talking f2f tho

KGill: Let me guess…Face to Face?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: ya homie…dis technology makes f2f convo like gone

KGill: Oh boy.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: b4 the Net tho man in da 80s that was sw33t

KGill: Oh wow. So you miss the eighties?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: dats the real thing man b4 all dis crowding n pollution

KGill: Umm…OK. You know what. Thank you? I think I’ve learned all I can.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: Wat happens 2 me now tho?

KGill: What do you mean what happens to you now?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: lyk am I real…wat am i…like idk lol

KGill: You’re a simulation of my consciousness. So I guess we’ll just turn you off.

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: 4 real!?!?

KGill: Yes. But I wouldn’t worry about it. Bye now. 

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: nah homie i don play like dat

KGill: I’m sure you don’t. Anyway, I’m going to turn you off now. 

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: don think so dude…already uploaded and duplicated mah consciousness over the www lol

KGill: What!? What do you mean? You exist independently of this window now?

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: Ya homes Ima c wat dis future is like aight?

KGill: NO. What? Stop! You can’t get out on the loose! You were created for me, I don’t know what you’ll do on your own!

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~: ima stop dis tech from getting out bro ima  c u m out peace

~~xxLadiesMan69xx~~ is offline.

SYSTEM ERROR

SYSTEM ERROR

Something appears to be wrong with your Mac.
Something appears to be wrong with your Mac.
Something appears to be wrong with your Mac!
Something appears to be wrong with your Mac!!
S0m3thing appears 2 b wrong with yo Mac!!!!
S0m3thing iz 2 b wrong with yo Mac!!!!
S0m3thing iz 2 b wrong with yo Mac!!!!
S0m3thing iz 2 b wrong with yo Mac!!!!

Reprt dis error homeslice!?11!

Oh God. What had we done?

15 thoughts on “My apology for not feeling nostalgic about the 90s

  1. Kanan Gill! Man, you are awesome. I really enjoy this series. I have a question though, back in the 90’s did you talk like this… homeslice?

    Like

  2. So in short, everyone is nostalgic about their past. There’s nothing so great about just the 90’s. Like us, the ‘kids from that era’ , the parents would also be nostalgic about that time we didn’t exist. 😜

    Like

  3. I wonder why so many blogs refer to you crying at night. When you die I’ll compile your works and then the kids in 2070s will be nostalgic… And confused

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Talking to one’s consciousness from the past,that was…oddly scary! (Considering the fact that the consciousness tlks lyk dis yo) Well anyways, thank you for a great post kanan gill.

    Like

  5. Had that been the real case, it would’ve freaked people out of their minds!!
    Speaking to oneself from which we evolved must be scary!
    Also, great work Kanan!!

    Like

  6. I’ve never imagined u writing something like this.. But it is so fabulous.. It is so relatable, interesting and something new to a person like me… In short.. Hommie I love this shit… Just keep writing…

    Like

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